I am finding it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I will be the mother of 3 in just a couple short weeks. I mean I get it, but then I don’t.
Hey, I never said I made sense. 😉
It still seems like it’s a foggy dream. That we will have a new baby soon. For that matter, that we could have a new baby any day now.
Nate cleaned out the van and installed the infant carseat.
It felt really weird. I’m not quite sure how else to say it.
I almost cried. I am so happy, yet I am nervous and afraid too. Our family works now. There is one adult for each kid. Soon, we adults will be out numbered. Now that doesn’t really scare me – I grew up in a family of 4 kids, Nate grew up in a family of 6 kids. I know we can do this – with God’s help of course. But I am still emotional about it. I guess it’s the family dynamics changing.
And the fact that I have had a hard time this entire pregnancy truly believing that we will have a baby. Having a miscarriage creates that kind of disbelief I think. I mean I know I am pregnant, goodness it’s obvious to me every second of every day. And it’s not that I haven’t been trusting in God – I have. But it still just seems a little unreal to me that I will be holding a new baby soon. My new baby.
I worry and wonder how the kids will react. Well not so much with Nathan. He’s done this before, he’s already a big brother. And he’s old enough to “get” what is happening.
But I wonder/worry about Emily. She’s my sensitive child. She likes to cuddle with me all the time, she likes for me to pick her up. I won’t be able to pick her up for a good month afterwards. I’m not supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby for some time. How do you explain that to a two year old who just wants her mom?
In general, I think I’m a pretty laid back mom. I tend to roll with the punches so to say. I try to not over analyze things. So in that mindset, I know it will be fine and I’ll deal with things as they come. Emily may be completely fine and adjust very easily. Or she may have a tough time, but that’s ok and we’ll deal with it at the time.
I am starting to get nervous about my c-section too. I know exactly what I am in for. I was so terrified going into my section with Emily because I had had such an awful experience when I had Nathan. But my doctor and the nurses and everyone were just wonderful and it was an amazing experience. I’ll have the same doctor this time and I’m delivering at the same hospital, so I’m pretty confident things will be fine again this time too. But I still feel a little of the old fears creeping in again.
Will I feel bonded to my baby? I didn’t feel like Nathan was mine for weeks after I had him. With Emily, I just knew she was mine from the beginning. Will I feel that way with Joshua? I guess I am a little afraid that some of my fears from the miscarriage will affect my first meeting with Joshua. Not that I won’t love him, I already do and I know I will. But I just have a hard time picturing holding him.
I guess I have always felt like that a little bit. I’ve never been able to really visualize what that baby in my belly might look like. It isn’t until I’m actually holding that precious infant in my arms that it truly becomes real. But this time, it just seems even harder than before to imagine.
I worry about the whole c-section too. It is major surgery. I’ve done it twice before, so I know how it works. I know what I’m in for. I know that I’m strong and I will be ok. I’m young and I recover quickly. But it’s not easy.
I don’t like being away from my kids. I’ve never spent the night away from Emily before. I know everyone says to take advantage of the time you have in the hospital. To stay the full amount you are allowed. But I just can’t do that. I love my kids and the noise and craziness that comes with being at home. Oh sure it drives me crazy sometimes, but that’s my life. And to be away from it all is hard.
I know Nathan & Emily will be in wonderful hands with my dear mother in law. But it’s just that Mom “thing” I guess where it is hard to let go. I’m not so worried about them – I know they will have a wonderful time with Grandma – but I guess it’s more how I will be than anything. After I had Emily, I wanted my little boy by my side. Right away. And it was really hard for me to deal with the fact that he couldn’t be there right away – or for as much as I would have liked.
Seeing Nathan for the first time after I had Emily was really hard to take too. He seemingly grew up all of a sudden. He went from being my little 3 year old boy to a BIG kid in just those few hours from when I had last seen him. I know that will happen with Emily too and I get emotional just thinking about it.
Gosh, these darn hormones! I really am okay, I swear.
See this is what happens when I have extra time on my hands!
That giant mile long to do list we’ve been working on for so long? It’s just about done.
We are ready for Joshua to come.
I don’t have much to do, aside from normal every-day chores and keeping up with N & E. So I sit and twiddle my thumbs and think. And get all emotional about stupid things.