I’m so tired.
I’m beyond discouraged.
I am doubting that I can continue homeschooling.
I am exhausted from trying to be super mom. I am not. I am the farthest thing from that.
I am so tired of trying to juggle everything while holding Joshua. He is sooo needy lately. I know he’s only 2 months old, but he has been so difficult lately. The doctor says she thinks his hernia is bothering him so I hold him and don’t let him cry like I normally would. I love him holding, he is so precious, and he’s usually pretty happy & content as long as I am. He’s such a sweet baby. But I simply cannot hold him constantly. I have too many other things that have to get done. Once again, I feel horribly guilty, as if nothing I do is ever good enough.
I am so tired. Joshua used to be a really good sleeper and now he wont’ nap for more than 30 minutes straight during the day – and I’m lucky if I get that. Then he wakes up and fusses. If I get him up, he’s an awful fuss bucket because he’s tired. So I have to let him cry some so he’ll go back to sleep and get the nap he needs. But it’s awful. I am so tired from trying to figure this all out that I can’t even think straight. And he’s still waking up every 15-30 minutes from 2 am on because he’s just restless. He’s not hungry – I know that hungry fuss. He’s just irritable (presumably from that darn hernia) & restless. So binky in. Binky out. Binky in, binky out.
I’m also really pissed off that it took me having to put in a follow up call to get the surgeon’s office to call and even schedule an appointment. And that’s not until next Thursday. If Joshua was crying in pain, I’d have pushed much harder to get in sooner, but he’s not. I think he’s just irritable because of the hernia. At this point, I’d rather just hurry up and get this surgery done with so we can get past this and my poor baby will feel better.
I know this is awful writing but I don’t really care at this point.
Yes, Nate is home. But the day he came home (last Thursday), I came down with a nasty cold where I felt like complete and utter crap for 2 days. All 3 kids got some version of it too. Thank God for elderberry – I started feeling better by Sunday. But then Nate got it. So our supposed-to-have-been nice 4 day weekend was anything but.
Do you know that while I was supposed to be relaxing last Saturday and Nate was supposed to be watching the kids in the living room, that he had Joshua on the playmat and let Emily play between them. Of course Emily then accidentally SAT on Joshua’s head! And I think it was more of a fall than sitting judging from the sound of Joshua’s screaming. I heard him and I flew into the living room. I know it was a complete accident – Emily truly didn’t mean to – and Nate truly felt really bad for not being more aware of things, but this is exactly why I can’t relax! Joshua was ok, but it sure scared the crap out of me!
I am sick of feeling so alone. I have no friends who homeschool. And I’m sorry, but doing “preschool” with your 3 or 4 year old doesn’t count. I am so jealous of all those moms who get to put their kid on a bus every morning and have one less child to deal with all day long. Their lives may have gotten easier the past week or so. Mine got 100 times harder.
I feel like I have no friends to get together with anymore. Anyone who has a boy Nathan’s age has their child in school, so when we would normally do a playdate, their son is in school and that means either we can’t get together or they come over without their first grader. And I have a super disappointed Nathan who then acts out. I honestly feel guilty enough that he’s not in school with the other kids (he’s SO sociable) and I don’t know what do do with that. And everyone else has younger kids so while they’re playing with Emily, etc. Nathan ends up annoying them because he’s so much older and bored.
Why do I always have to do the best for my kids? Why isn’t so-so okay? Seriously. So the school in our district isn’t that great. Is it really that bad? Because I am ready to pull the plug.
Ok, I know in my heart that this is just the exhaustion speaking and no, I’m not going to quit homeschooling. But I can’t say that I haven’t seriously considered it lately.
I’m not neglecting Nathan’s education. He’s doing great. He is once again thriving. He loves school and is doing amazing at everything.
But something has to give. And that something is me. I have no time left for me.
I rarely even get to touch the computer nowdays muchless blog. Or read the couple of message boards I’m part of.
I go to bed at a reasonable hour, but after I’ve spent most of the evening chasing around dirty, fighting kids (last night when I sent N & E outside while I was feeding Joshua, Emily ended up screaming because Nathan was chasing her around with dog poop on the end of his bat!), trying to get everyone in bed at a reasonable hour, (forget story time lately), then picking up, cleaning up after the kids and my 4th kid – my husband (seriously, it is so much harder to clean up and keep up with everything now that he’s back home), trying to figure out my coupons/shopping lists (the one thing I semi-enjoy, but nope it’s still not relaxing), laundry, and so much more. And even more laundry lately, now that I’ve officially pulled the plug on spending more $$ on pull-up’s for my 6.5 year old, who continues to wet the bed on an almost every other night basis. And now that I’m trying to potty train Emily because I am sick and tired of changing her diapers too. (She is perfectly capable of going in the potty, it’s just a matter of whose will is stronger at this point – mine or hers….)
I don’t think I even know how to relax anymore. I cannot just sit down and watch tv in the evenings. I have to be doing something – folding laundry, sorting coupons, making my lists. Something.
That’s another reason why I’m so tired and discouraged with homeschooling. If it weren’t for the fact that we homeschool, I wouldn’t feel so pressed to get Nathan out doing extra stuff like $ karate, because he would be with kids on a daily basis and wouldn’t need that “social” activity crap. But he does, so I have yet one more thing to do. And it’s never ending.
I so badly want to get more involved in church, but I have nothing else to give right now. I have been wanting to volunteer in the nursery, but I am too tired to even think about committing to something like that. But I feel guilty. I don’t just want to be a taker, I want to be a giver too – a real part of the church body. But I seriously cannot add one more thing to my plate right now.
Our church moms’ group starts up again next week and that I will go to because it truly helps my sanity. And I think it’s ok to do one thing for me, right?
I so badly want to talk to my mom, but she is soooo busy with her two jobs that it’s just not happening. She’s the one person who really understands where I’m at right now. But I don’t even have that now.
I can’t even read my Harry Potter book (I always have to read for a couple minutes before I can fall asleep at night) without having to re-read each page at least twice because it just doesn’t register in this sorry excuse for my brain.
No, I’m not depressed. I am just exhausted.