I feel like I am running on empty.
I planned on going to Mom to Mom at church today. I had everything ready to go last night. Then Nathan decided to get up the ungodly hour of 5 am or something like that when Nate was getting ready for work. He woke me up talking very loudly downstairs. Then when Nate left around 5:15 (I think) he came upstairs very noisily, went into his room that he shares with Joshua, and turned his light on so he could read!!!!!!! This of course woke up Joshua, who began crying. *tears* Joshua finally did go back to sleep, so you would think I could too, right? Wrong. Between Nathan’s bouncing on his bed and his talking even though I warned him to stop several times, he kept me up.
I woke up with a sore throat too.
When I finally got up with Joshua for the day, I hadn’t slept more than a couple more minutes than when Nathan woke me up at 5am. I knew going to church this morning wasn’t going to happen.
I feel like crap. I just got over a cold, minor ableit thanks to my favorite “trio” but still. And now I am sick again. I am just really run down once again.
I am so tired. I am tired of trying to juggle everything and have no one appreciate what I do. I am tired of whiny, bratty kids who scream at me because I didn’t get them a “princess spoon” or because I refuse to give them a second breakfast when they are being horrible.
I should be doing school with Nathan but I am so discouraged right now and feel so crappy that I might take a day off. We’ve several days ahead if not a couple of weeks, so it really would be ok.
I was feeling a little better after talking to my best friend earlier when I came online and saw our mom’s group leader’s status on facebook – something about being thankful for a mom who is coming to “talk to us about what do when we as moms are running on empty.” A fresh set of tears. I needed to hear that so badly.
I haven’t been to Mom to Mom in a month now. Two of those weeks was because of Joshua and last week I wasn’t feeling well and then this week is another crappy week.
I feel so incompetent that I can’t just throw myself and the kids together and go down despite everything. I need to go. But I am so tired and drained, I just can’t muster up the energy.
I am beyond discouraged right now. It doesn’t help that we missed church Sunday because I wasn’t feeling well.
Nate is too busy to even talk to me during the day anymore. I ask him to do one little thing like make a phone call about getting rid of the old car that’s taking up a ton of room in our very small driveway but he can’t even find the time for that. I guess my old Taurus will sit in our driveway for yet another winter. *sigh*
You know how it seems like you blink and babies are grown up? It seems like they were just born yesterday and now they’re sitting up or crawling. That’s how it was for me when Nathan & Emily were babies. Not with Joshua though. I feel terrible for thinking this way – and even more for writing it down – but he is so needy, I can’t wait for him to get a little bigger. To hopefully grow out of this “phase.” It feels like he is taking forever.
I am so tired of having to plan everything so carefully. I would love to be able to just pack up and go somewhere. But so much of the time, I have to plan so I can try to get him down for a quick nap before we leave. That way he isn’t quite as grumpy. He inevitably gets fussy and irritable about something or another but if I can plan it right, he’s maybe not quite as bad.
I know “this too will pass” but it seems endless…