I will write more later about our Christmas – it was simple, sweet, and wonderful (with the exception of poor Joshua being sick with a 48 hour stomach bug).
But right now, I need to just talk. To write. To get it out there. This is me being completely honest.
I am exhausted and really struggling right now. If Nate wasn’t home this week, I don’t know what I would do. I have never had a pregnancy take this kind of toll on my body before. Between the contractions, the horrible pelvic pain, and then the general aches & pains of pregnancy like the horrible back pain I get everytime I am on my feet – or sitting in one place – for more than 10 minutes, I am a mess.
I am incredibly thankful to have reached 35 weeks. But I don’t know how I will make it through the next 3.5 weeks until my c/s. Oh I know I will. Somehow. With the Lord’s help. That’s truly the only way I will. But right now, I just want to cry. Ok, I am crying.
Last night, I had regular contractions every 5 minutes for 2 hours. I timed them. While I was sitting down with my feet up and drinking water. I finally went to bed because, previously, that has caused them to die down. I figured if they continued, then I would call in. They did slow down to where I was able to go to sleep. But they never fully went away. So I tossed & turned all night long. I say that figuratively because I ain’t tossing & turning worth anything right now – every movement feels like pure hell at night, pardon my language. Seriously, the pelvic pain hurts worse than the post-op pain from the c-section. And if I move over, I get searing pain in my sides from presumably scar tissue tearing. Three prior c-sections will do that to you. I didn’t sleep longer than an hour straight all night.
If I could just get a decent night sleep, I would feel better. But I am so incredibly exhausted right now that I can’t even think straight. I barely care that the laundry is piled so high in the bathroom, we can barely walk through and there are pine needles all over the living room floor and the breakfast dishes still haven’t been done. (I said barely, not that I didn’t care at all.) But at this point, I can’t do anything about it. I just can’t. Nate is being incredibly sweet and helping me out, but his version of clean-up is to stay up until 2 am and then do the dishes that have piled up from the whole day. And forget to turn the dishwasher on. (Our private little joke – without fail, he loads it, puts in the detergent, but forgets to turn it on. So no clean dishes in the morning. But hey I’m not complaining because I didn’t have to load it!)
We finally managed to pull out the baby clothes and wash the newborn ones. We moved the changing table out of Emily’s room (which she uses for her toys/dolls) and into our room where Luke will be sleeping for the first couple months. So I feel a little more prepared. But the rest of the house is not ready for a baby. But I can’t do much about it.
The contractions are picking up again tonight and my hip/pelvic pain is so bad I can barely walk. I caved and took a Vicodin that my doctor prescribed. I hate taking drugs but Tylenol wasn’t doing a darn thing and my doctor prescribed the RX for this reason. And I am hoping against hope that it will help ease the pain enough that I can sleep for more than an hour straight. I desperately need some sleep or I feel like I will lose my mind.
One of the hardest things for me right now is feeling like an awful mother to my other kids. They want to come cuddle with me on the couch (well Emily & Joshua do – nathan isn’t a cuddler) but I am in so much pain & contracting that I can’t cuddle them for long. It kills me. I just want to be me again. To feel human. To be able to sleep cuddled up with my warm comforter & my husband. (Right now, I get so hot that even with the thermostat set to 62 degrees at night, I have to sleep with just the sheet on and I still wake up drenched in sweat!) I want to be able to sit on the floor with my little boy and play with him. (Great, now I am bawling again.) To stand and make dinner for my family without ending up in tears after a brief 15 minutes because of the back pain & contractions. I want to comb Emily’s hair in the bathtub. I want to make the Gingerbread Village set with the kids. I want to just sweep & mop & vacuum & dust. And keep up with my laundry. (I never thought I would want to deep clean my house so badly as I do now!) I want to go to church again. I want to see my friends again. They all must think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. I guess I pretty much have.
I want to be a good wife again. I hate that Nate is having to take care of the kids & do housework. That’s my job. He shouldn’t have to be doing that. I am so thankful that I have a caring & understanding husband who does do it though – without complaining too. I truly am blessed. And I guess I should take comfort in the fact that my children are young and chances are they won’t remember this phase of Mom being cranky & unable to do much.
I’m just tired. I’m so sorry for the long rambling vent. Please, just keep me in your prayers.
I know this will all be worth it. I know “this too will pass.” I know it won’t be long until I’m holding my precious baby boy – my Luke – in my arms and knowing that he was SO worth it! I know the Lord will see me through.
I am just so tired right now it’s hard to see anything clearly.