I’m not a very confident person. In fact, I’m incredibly un-confident (I don’t think that’s a word, but I’m going to use it anyways.)
I second guess myself on every move. Whether it’s being a mom, a wife, a friend, what I should bring to a cookout, a simple conversation with someone. Blogging.
I worry that I might say or do the “wrong” thing and make someone mad. Offend someone or hurt them. Or they simply might not like what I did, or worse me.
Whether it’s a combination of it being my personality and the fact that as a child, nothing I did was ever quite good enough, it’s something I deal with everyday.
I started this blog back in 2007 as a way to journal my life and my family. You can look back and see those posts. What you don’t know is that I had this blog blocked from public view for the first year or two. I was too afraid for others to see what I wrote.
I’ve lived much of my life as a mom worried about what people will think of me. Especially when Nathan was little. I was a very young mom and these days, young moms often get a bad rap. Even though I was married, not on welfare (see another phase I’ve hesitated to write for fear of offending someone!) and my husband and I were responsible grown adults, I know many looked down on me. As a result of my lack of confidence, I often felt like my head would explode because of the many opinions constantly thrown at me.
Blogging is another way I’ve missed out. I’ve decided not to write many potentially awesome blog articles. I often think of something, but then in my contemplation of the topic and whether someone has already covered it, whether it might offend or hurt someone, and when it comes down to it I wonder if anyone will actually care about what little-ol’-me has to say, I shove it aside. I also read and re-read my articles so much in my race to second-guess myself that it takes forever to actually post something.
Just recently, I saw a need at church and instead of acting on it, I asked someone else their opinion. When they brushed it off, I held back because of course I couldn’t go ahead on my own. And then someone else stepped in and addressed the need and I felt like a fool for not doing anything. My husband pointed out that it’s like I still feel as if I were 18 and had to get permission to do anything and he’s right. Of course that’s not the case: I’m a grown woman with a husband and 4 children, and while I’m not perfect, I’m a pretty great person and I have a lot to offer.
I’m trying to change. My lack of confidence has held me back so much and I’m tired of it. I’ve actually been seeing a counselor for the past 6 months and I’ve made a lot progress. I don’t think I will ever be a person who can confidently speak to a group of strangers (I’m quite shy too.) But I can learn to be more confident in who I am as a wife, mom, blogger, and all the many other things I do.
2 Timothy 2:7 says For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. This verse really spoke to me and I am praying on this everyday.
This post is something I’ve thought about writing many many times over but I’ve always put it aside until now. I know it sounds really pathetic, but I wonder how many others out there who are like me and might be encouraged to know they’re not alone. Even if there aren’t, well this is me. A little insight behind the girl behind the computer.