I haven’t had much to say lately. The truth is I haven’t felt like blogging. I’m exhausted. I’m discouraged. I’m frustrated. I’m afraid. I feel like I’m failing at everything.
That’s the emotional side of me talking. The logical side (whatever is left of it) tells me that I’m not a failure and it will be ok. But the emotional side is winning out lately.
I trust the Lord. I know He will take care of me & little Luke. And I’m honestly not that terribly worried about the outcome here. I’m now 26 weeks along, which while still early, gives little Luke an average of 75% chance of survival should he come today. We’re past the “micro-preemie” stage now and that’s fantastic. The odds are starting to lean more towards our favor. Don’t get me wrong – I know it would still be very scary if Luke arrived now and there is the potential for many problems still, but I can’t focus on that now because it won’t do me any good.
Overall I’m feeling better about this overall “situation” and the long term outcome. I am, however, afraid of how we will get there.
I’ve spent 2 weeks on modified bedrest and I’m completely worn out. It’s ridiculous as I haven’t done anything. But I’m emotionally spent. The stress of dealing with everything is wearing me out. My children are going crazy. They are starting to feel & show the effects of Mom not being normal and that alone makes me feel like more of a failure than anything else. I’m so discouraged with everything right now. Especially with my oldest. I have been trying to keep my expectations low but he seems to keep forcing me to bring the bar lower and lower until I just want to go bury my head in the sand.
I haven’t been to church in over a month. When Nate is actually home, I have been so exhausted that I don’t have the energy. Tomorrow is the weekly mom’s group at church and I really want to go. I really need to go. But the thought of toting my 3 kids there and then dealing with their behavior that comes from being off-schedule later on in the day is enough to make me want to cry and just give up. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
And speaking of Nate, please pray for him right now. As he’s been out of town on business for 3 of the past 4 weeks, he hasn’t been able to attend his evening classes in quite awhile. While he’s been keeping up with the work load, one of his professors isn’t being quite so understanding as he was initially led to believe. I’m sure it will all work out fine (he’s ‘dealing’ with it today since he is actually in town for now) but it just feels like “one more thing.” If you could please pray that this professor would extend him some grace – he has afterall been traveling for work! – and not penalize his grades, I would really appreciate it.
And on another note – why is it that everytime Joshua wakes up from his nap & makes a noise, I have both children, especially Emily, yelling “JOSHUA’S AWAKE!”?! I can hear him just as well as you, but maybe I would like to go pee first and you screaming at me isn’t going to make me move any faster! (Joshua is being a stinker & refusing to nap right now, so he’s upstairs whining & Emily & Nathan have both felt the need to inform me MULTIPLE times that “JOSHUA’S AWAKE!” Which is why I brought this up.)
I guess I just need prayer. What is really upsetting me most of all right now is what to do with our kids if I should need to go on hospital bedrest. Me – the planner – had decided to just not think about it or make plans, because why stress when we don’t know if it will even come down to that? But it’s come up enough that Nate & I discussed it & let’s just say his realistic plan is NOT something I like at all. Let’s just say it might involve my babies going out of state for however long I would be in the hospital and I can’t even think about that without losing it. And again this is so ridiculous on my part because I’m not on hospital bedrest! I’m at home with my sweet babies – who are driving me absolutely crazy today, but when push comes to shove, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yet I can’t stop thinking about the possibility. Ugh, I hate these irrational pregnancy emotions.
Can I just ‘check out’ for the next 3 months?